This time 3 years ago, I wasn’t really familiar with death.My grandfather passed away on the 16th of June 2019.I was very close to him, and it was heartbreaking losing him.He had, however, lived a full 94 years and it was expected.Less than a year later my Dad passed away on the 15th of January.He had cancer, but it wasn’t aggressive.He had his bowel removed, which was replaced with a Colostomy bag.He could have lived with this - it wasn’t the cancer that he died from - he died from Septicaemia.Septicaemia, the same infection Gemma had when she was 8 months old.
I am so grateful that I was so naive during Gemma’s illness.I had no idea at the time how serious it was.She was sedated for close to 10 days while the doctors waited for the Septicaemia to clear, before she could go in for her throat operation.There were so many things thrown at that little body in the first year of her life - that I just simply lost track of all the medical jargon and thankfully just trusted the doctors and the process at that time.I think if I had of really known and understood what was going on in that tiny little body - I would have given up the fight for her right there and then.
My Dad was stuck in the middle of so much ugliness for about 3 years preceding his death. I know he could have fought the cancer and all that came with it, but deep down I also know that he gave up the fight.Two months after he passed, lockdown happened and although my family and I created some amazing memories together (www.lockdownlesotho.weebly.com), most of that year I was fighting a battle of guilt, anger and grieving the death of my Dad.I didn’t know it then, but my Dad helped pave a path for me, to prepare me for the biggest loss I will ever experience.
At the time though,I was so self absorbed that I pushed my family away.Mostly I pushed Gemma away.There were many moments of joy and laugher and I will treasure those, but it’s going to be a long process dealing with the guilt I live with now.Gemma’s favourite song during lockdown was called ‘Arms’ by Christina Perri.I can only hope and trust with all my heart that she left these words for me.While we were getting songs together for her memorial - I just couldn’t remember the name or the tune of this song.She sang it almost every day during lockdown, and I just couldn’t remember it.
We only had 2 full days between Gemma’s memorial and her cremation to pack up the amazing life we had in Lesotho.Michael put Gemma’s playlist on shuffle, as we started the packing process, and the first song to play was ‘Arms.’The instant I heard the opening beat, I remembered this as her song.I felt like she’d left the song for me - and for me alone.I was very reluctant for a long time to share this with the world because it’s such a sacred and special moment between her and I - but it’s all a part of our story and I’m ready to share it.
The words to the song are:
I never thought that you’d be the one to hold my heart, But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start, You put your arms around me and I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go, You put your arms around me and I’m home,
How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around, I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown I hope that you see right through my walls I hope that you catch me, because I’m already falling I’ll never let our love get so close You put your arms around me and I’m home
The world is coming down on me and I can’t find a reason to be loved I never want to leave you, but i can’t make you bleed if i’m alone You put your arms around me and I believe that It’s easier for you to let me go I hope that you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me because I’m already falling I’ll never let our love get so close, You put your arms me and I’m home,
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth And I’ve never opened up, I’ve never truly loved till You put your arms around me And I believe it’s easier to let me go.
I hope that you see right through my walls, I hope that you catch me because I’m already falling I’ll never let our love get your close You put your arms around me and I’m home.
Gemma and I had a very complicated relationship.I had spent most of her life being her nurse first, and her mom second.Gemma was fiercely independent, from the moment she was born.To try and lure her in from wherever her wings were taking her at any specific time was a challenge as her mom.I had taken on the job of keeping her alive, and loving each other was complicated.Our relationship was full of emotion, loads of fighting, loads of loving.The words to this song speak an interrelated conversation between her and I.We had so many fights in lockdown - Gemma missed her friends so much, it was another pain I just couldn’t take away from her.At the end of any fight though - we would embrace each other whole heartedly.
In was in the midst of all these aggressive emotions during lockdown that I found Yoga as a source of peace and calmness.I was so drawn to it, that I did an online instructors course.I found solace in many great teachers such as Louise L Hay, Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle.I wanted more - I wanted people I could talk to in real life, and so after not much searching (as it kind of just appeared at the right time), I found a yoga teacher training course in Eston, Natal.It was there - 7 days into my course - a course I had chosen to become a better person, to become a better mother -exactly one year ago today (8th March 2021) that Gemma messaged me to tell me she was being admitted into hospital with low sugars.
I didn’t rush back to her.She had her team with her.We had had this discussion before she went into hostel.We had asked her what if she ended up in hospital and we weren’t able to get to her.She was one hundred percent adamant that she would be ok.She wanted to be with her friends in hostel and NOTHING was going to stop her.
On the evening of Friday the 12th of March - I will forever be grateful that I returned a missed call from her.It was the first real conversation we’d had in a long time.I hadn’t wanted to phone her for the first two weeks of being in hostel - it’s what I knew having been a border myself.I believed it would help her settle in and not become homesick if I minimised contact.This was more that just a conversation - there was a whole lot of letting go of such stupid stuff that I had been holding over her.I had always been so hard on Gem - academically.Pushing her to do better.I don’t know if I said it in the direct words, but my part of the conversation to her, was for the first time - probably ever - finally letting her know that I accepted her entirely for who she was - and nothing more.
God knows that if I could have predicted one year ago that I only had a few days left to ever see, feel and hold my child - I would have got in my car on the 8th of March and I would never, NEVER have let her go.But I did let her go….. and I can only trust with every fibre of my being that that is what she needed.There was no light at the end of her very very long tunnel on this earth.
My intention for this blog was to write a tribute to those beautiful souls that have left us in the last few years - and I’ve somewhat deviated.
I have just been to a celebration of a good friends celebration of life.Although Andrea and I both lived in Lesotho and went to the same boarding school.She was a year older than me so we didn’t socialise as much.Our girls Ashley and Gemma started out at boarding school together last year.Andrea and I were really looking forward to seeing more of each other -and i know we would have.Everyone who spoke, and from the messages I’ve read - it is clear that Andrea influenced so many lives.Andrea was an absolute shining star.She brought love, joy and life with her - everywhere she went. The last time I saw her was at Gemma’s memorial.For months after losing Gemma, she kept in touch always asking how I was, and only briefly touching on how she was - only if i asked.I knew she was fighting cancer but her positivity and spark led me to believe that she was doing well.She put everybody before herself, and from some of the photo’s that were shared, she smiled right to the very end.
I know Andrea would have wanted stories shared at her memorial, but talking in public makes me quiver at the knees and break out in a cold sweats - so I’ll share a story here instead.In the December after I finished school - through another friend - I ended up spending a night in a house Andrea was living in, in Cape Town.She convinced me to join them for a night out.She was wearing a bright red, glittery shirt.We ended up at a cocktail bar, and one of the 5Fm DJ’s was there (I can’t remember who).You could volunteer to spin a massive spinning wheel - and of course Andrea stood up to go.I can’t remember the exact details, but I do remember the DJ was so infatuated with this gorgeous blond in her glittery red shirt, that when Andrea spun the arrow it was so close to the big prize of winning a cruise.The arrow didn’t quite make it, but due to her infectious personality and her huge smile - he somehow assisted her by nudging the board and the arrow magically fell on the winning prize.She had the whole room screaming and egging on the entire process.
It’s so hard for all of us left behind to truly understand all of this.There is no doubt that the really good, kind people who touch others, like only true angels can do, are the ones called “home.” I just don’t understand the pain - I don’t understand why anybody has to go through so much pain - physical and emotional.
Michael lost his best friend, his soul mate - just before Gemma’s birthday.He took his own life.He gave absolutely no warning signs.He left behind his beautiful wife and 2 year old daughter.I knew Chris well, but not like Michael did.Chris was an empath, and I believe he held the world’s worries in his heart. Chris was a giver - and he refused to accept anything in return. I’ll never forget - we joined Chris on a trip to Botswana in 2004 - and at a robot, just as we were leaving Pretoria, we passed a lady begging for money.I commented on her heavy makeup, and in a rude, judgemental way said something along the lines of surely she shouldn’t be begging if she could afford all that makeup.I can’t remember his exact words, but Chris quickly put me in my place by saying that this is what she does for a living, and she deserves to look the best she can.I always took that as a lesson to judge people less, and it showed such a beautiful, caring side to him.Thank goodness I’ve grown up and learned many many more lessons regarding judgement since then. Many of us, I’m sure have been where Chris was - in that moment that he took his life - wanting death to wrap it’s arms around us - in that moment- where not even those you love the most can keep you away from the despair. The last time we saw Chris was also at Gemma’s memorial.
I stayed with my best friend after Andrea’s memorial.I don’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t here.Cherise was the first person I called when we’d made the decisions to turn off my Dad’s ventilator…..she was the first person I called when Gemma left.She is my soul mate, my other female half.Chris was like that to Michael.
In the words of another beautiful soul gone “Home”
“Oh,it’s funny how those once so close and now gone, Still so affect our lives” - Johnny Clegg
They will always be with us, forever in our hearts.